NEW MOVIE MONDAYS
Louis C.K. – Shameless
After decades and decades of comedians performing routines and being all funny, you would imagine that one of the many dudes we look upon as comic Gods would be responsible for thinking up the funniest stand-up routine of all time. There are loads of contenders, but we won’t geek out too hard and make a list or anything. We’ll just say that whatever you may have previously considered the funniest-shit-of-all-time, it was wrong because it wasn’t this. Shameless is the most hilarious stand-up you will ever see in your life. It is, in a word, incredible. There are no pop-culture references, no current events discussed, and slim to none on the social commentary. It’s all about Louis C.K., and how much his life, his wife and kids suck. Sound like worn territory? Don’t be stupid. This is re-inventing comedy without “re-inventing comedy.” Nobody has ever achieved comic perfection in such a way. Absolutely nobody.


Black Snake Moan
Wouldn’t it be great if instead of Hollywood feeling like it had to make a full-length feature film every time an actress felt like showing her boobs, they could just make a film called Naughty Christina Ricci Shows Her Hot Tits, and that would be it. There might be some minimal plot and amateurish dialogue involved, but ultimately it would just be Christina Ricci in her undies and a “shirt,” and every now and then she’d flash her boobs, and then maybe get fucked by a black guy or two. It could be called “porn,” and if Ms. Ricci had the balls, maybe she’d suck dick on screen or something. We’re just singling her out in this instance because Black Snake Moan has what we just wrote as the actual plot, but really it could be any actress. Chloe Sevigny, Scarlett Johanson, Natalie Portman, Jessica Biel, Rosario Dawson… Anyone really. Stop putting these women in films, and start putting them in porn. It would clear up a whole lot of gray area, and would put an end to all these time-wasting, bullshit movies.


Shooter
We can totally understand why Mark Wahlberg might want to do this movie. He plays a lone, honest sharp shooter, abandoned and left for dead by his government, but still morally bound to a pledge he took to defend his country. Rambo was pretty cool, The Bourne Identity was great, and Antoine Fuqua sure does love his gun movies (like Training Day and Tears of the Sun) so why not? Because, Mark, the premise is ridiculous! A secret ops group brings Mark out of retirement to help stop an assassination attempt on the President’s life, but really they are just setting him up to be the fall guy… the patsy. Except our hero is REALLY good at staying alive and takes the fight to them, and blah, blah, blah. If we never have to see another movie that tries to offer a clear perspective on patriotism through the barrel of a gun, we’ll be happy.


Monkey Warfare
We liked this movie when it came out, and we still like it. Though the DVD doesn’t come with a free record or anything, the story of a couple of ex-radicals now living in self-imposed exile, forced to re-examine themselves when a young, politically radical (and sexy) pot dealer enters their life, is a smart and politically aware piece of work filled with Canadian refferences in a way that is neither forced nor pretentious. Awww poop, just read our original review of it here.