VIDEODRONE
Planet Earth: The Complete BBC Series
We don’t even care that much about the earth and we generally hate animals. Don’t see much use for either of them. You know what we do love though? Oprah. From The Secret to A Million Little Pieces, that chick can pick a winner. She told us we’d love this series, and surprise surprise, we totally did! Coming on five discs, it is filled with stunning photography and rare footage of animals, birds, bugs and geography no one has ever seen before, largely because it was captured with a fancy camera that allowed the filmmakers to shoot close-ups from over a mile away. Apparently there’s a U.S version with Sigourney Weaver narrating, but the original version has David Attenbourough guiding you through and that guy could tell us anything and we’d believe him. Worth every minute, Planet Earth really does show you how complex and fascinating life on this little blue rock is.
The Queen
When Princess Dianna died, Queen Elizabeth kinda fronted on her memory. Like didn’t grieve or anything. That’s partly due to royal protocol, but mostly because of the Queen’s jealousy issues and insecurities. The British public became outraged over the Queen’s lack of of grief, but Elizabeth knew what was up. She and her handsome calves weren’t about to validate the existence of a punk bitch like Dianna just because some Pommy sheep got all obsessed for a minute. Listening to Elton John on repeat and everything. What a bunch of dummies. Don’t they know royalty will always trump ignorance. Stop snitchin’ y’all.
Night at the Museum
Great premise for a kids movie. A struggling dad takes a job as the night watchman in a museum and everything comes to life when the lights go off. Simple. Its really amazing that they could fuck up this movie so badly and make something so unmagically lame and boring. BORING! And Ben Stiller seriously needs to expand his repertoire from always just being Ben Stiller. It’s like in Zoolander how everyone makes fun of Derek for only having one look and calling it different names. Ben Stiller is the acting version of that. He’s been coasting on blue steel for over a decade, and it has become so predictable that it is literally impossible to enjoy him in anything anymore.
Deja Vu
Or as we like to call it, Vuja De. The team that brought you Enemy of the State is back with another futuristic political sci-tech thriller, with Denzel subbing in for the Fresh Prizzle. The two films are very similar, particularly in the sense that we feel very guilty about enjoying them. Sometimes it’s fun to get caught up these ridiculous movies, and we were caught up in Vuja De for a pretty long time. Until about two thirds into the movie, when Denzel Washington goes back in time. He time travels! And while there is something to be said for a good time travel movie (who doesn’t love that shit??), it doesn’t fit at all in this flick, and is actually pretty hysterical.
The Lost Tomb of Jesus
Co-produced by James Cameron, The Lost Tomb of Jesus makes The Da Vinci Code seem realistic. As a 1 & ¾ hour infomercial, the science is almost non-existent, amounting to little more than statistics analysis. Highlights include a blind lady appearing “as if by Providence,” and being asked, did she think there might be a secret tomb nearby once holding the powdery bones of Jesus, his wife Mary Magdalene and their baby Judah? She replies she’s “1,000,000%” there is.” “1,000,000%?” says our breathless narrator, “that was good enough for us!” If there was a living Jesus, and he came back again to see this movie, he’d become an atheist.
Thr3e
It’s weird when life imitates art, but when art imitates art it’s amazing! Remember in Adaptation when Charlie’s brother wrote the movie The Three? Well, some visionaries in Hollywood saw the genius behind that fictional idea, and this is the movie version of it. Rumour has it writer Alan B. McElroy is Nick Cage writing as Donald Kauffman, and director Robby Henson is actually Spike Jonze. Meticulously executed, Thr3e might be the biggest inside joke/best movie since Grindhouse.