When TransLink announced yesterday that they were planning on putting armed guards on the 99 B-Line bus route, our eyes almost fell out of our heads. You guys want to put a gun on the most crowded bus route in this city? What could inspire anyone to even think that’s a good idea?

Apparently it was the bus drivers. According to the CBC, there were 241 assaults on bus drivers last year. They don’t elaborate, so that could mean these were verbal assaults all over the Lower Mainland. Regardless, all that name calling definitely didn’t happen on the 99. So, in order for the bus drivers to convince TransLink that the only way to solve their problems was to put an armed guard on the bus, some serious bargaining must have gone down. Here’s how we imagine the conversation between the head of the bus driver’s union and the king of TransLink went:

Bus Driver: Your majesty, we are all sick of dealing with these students. I swear some of them are getting on without paying. I SWEAR! And get this! Last year, five people spat on me. FIVE! One kid even called me a douche when I wouldn’t let him on because he forgot his U-Pass!

TransLink: A douche? How behind the times can you get? No one uses that word anymore. It’s cunt now! Cunt is the new douche.

Bus Driver: Wow are you serious? That’s a pretty vile word.

TransLink: Fucking right it is. People need to grow some thicker skin in this city. No more of this organic vegan bullshit! Cunts!

Bus Driver: They are cunts! Hey, can I get a gun for when I’m driving? Sometimes when people eat pizza on my bus I get real pissed, you know? I just feel like yelling “I want these motherfucking cunts off this moth—”

TransLink: Take ‘er easy there Sam… But OK. Do you think you can drive and shoot if need be?

Bus Driver: Shit. Not if I’ve been smokin’ weed man. Hey can I get a stereo in the bus too?

TransLink: I see.

The 99 B-Line is arguably the busiest bus route in Vancouver. During peak hours at Broadway Station, lineups easily reach thirty to fifty people deep, sometimes running well past the A&W. Since most of these people are UBC students, with a U-Pass included in their tuition fees, TransLink opens up all the doors on the 99 at this one stop in order to load the bus in a speedy manner. It’s completely fair to imagine that some of people slip through these back doors without paying a fare. We do it, and we hope some of you do too.

But seriously, people are getting stabbed at the SkyTrain stations in Surrey. The New West station is literally a drug haven. The 99 B-Line is not a problem.